I've never felt safer

Did you know that you need 250 scooters to match the carbon emissions of your average bus? OK, 50cc scooters, but that’s still impressive! OK… have you your… International Driver’s License? Check. Passport? Check. Credit card with a few hundred dollars for bond money? Check. Brisbane scooter hire? Triple check l’check.

This is an absolute winner of an activity, because if you’ve ever ridden a bicycle before it’s totally intuitive and, as above, if you are in possession some basic travel ID’s then wow – what a perfect way to experience the inner city and more! Now, much like renting a car, this is a touch bureaucratic, but beyond those basic details, you’ve got the world at your wheel-shaped feet.

You’ll be wise to read (not skim) the terms and conditions of your rental agreement before you signature into your keep one of these bad boys, but at the expense of having you hear some things twice, I’ll quickly debrief you on the key things to be prepared for:

• Don’t lose the keys (d’oh!)
• The only accident that doesn’t come out of your pocket is the one where you’re in a bust-up with another vehicle
• Stick to the roads, you have to get permission in writing to do anything dirty
• If there’s something wrong with the Scooter, ring them immediately
• Windscreen and tyre damage is all you’re allowed
• Refuel before you return

This is what you *won't* be doing

Ok – You might get a more severe tone when you do all the paperwork, but that’s a good head-start on your do’s and don’ts. Now, here’s some of good stuff:

• You’ll probably get a free helmet
• You can hire gloves and a jacket, because who’s packing those, really?
• You can get a two-seater for a little more and rent an additional helmet to go with it
• A lot of new models (2011) are available for hire, and they look incredible

You can actually rent Scooters from some places for up to a month, but for the average person, I think the sweet spot is 2-3 days – That gives you time to get your hands around the controls, but stops you from getting too attached to your new favourite toy. The time flies, but a few days gives you a chance to plan a day trip to a more remote area that you couldn’t otherwise access, too. That said, for however long you rent one, your Scooter use ideas will expand to fit the time that it is in your possession.

Cool factor? 8 billion.

Riding a Scooter around Brisbane is pretty safe, and one idea you’re bound to consider is visiting the University of Queensland, which has a giant slow-speed road circumference. Along it, you’ll get views of the Brisbane River and some of the most majestic flora that you can find outside of a National Park or Botanical Gardens. You can always park the scooter and have a walk around, too – UQ has a scooter riding population so you’ll fit right in.

Ok, have fun – I gotta scoot.

What's this photo missing? Your paint-spattered friends.

Brisbane might have achieved a fairly low-crime rate and contain some of the safest,  most-livable suburbs in world rankings – but there’s no reason you can’t change that… or at least simulate changing it, by picking off your friends and decorating them with endless bruises that will have them wincing and frowning for weeks to come.

Enter paintball, where diplomats become assassins and assassins become even better assassins. There’s no need for me to persuade anyone about the joys of paintball, because they’re all self-evident – the very word ‘Skirmish’ alone is probably one of the most dangerous and adrenaline-pumping words in the English language.

OK, enough, show me the love. There are actually an overwhelming number of places you can play, and if you’ve never tried it, they all tend to operate the same way. Either you bring yourself and or some friends, and tag along at one of the daily/nightly sessions, or, you find enough people to get a private booking. That’s hard to pull off, and different Skirmish fields in Brisbane have different minimums. User choice.

I love you, but...

Now, you’ve found some violent-minded globetrotters with twilight bloodlust, and you’re getting ready to go the field. First tip: If you’re sporting the latest Spring/Summer high fashion trends, don’t fret – it all comes out in the wash, but, the impact of the pellets and the army rolls aren’t doing you any favours; keep your power outfit in your suitcase. And pack a plastic bag and some spare clothes to change into after you’re done. Second tip: You could be out in the field for 3 hours – every premise insists its patrons can have sense of security about their possessions, and then your wallet gets stolen anyway. Keep the bling where you’re staying. Third final tip: Bring money for extra paintballs. You can buy them while you’re in combat, and believe me, there’s no buzzkill like the realisation that your day just ended because you didn’t bring an extra $22 for 100 more paint balls.

And now you’re on the field. Ideally you’ve deduced that wearing layers will lessen the impact of being shot, but the golden rule of Skirmish Paintball that you’ll definitely have drilled into you is Don’t Take Off Your Face Mask. This doesn’t need explaining.

Bring a little colour into your life with pretend-y murder

With all of that and other safety guidelines memorised, you’re ready to play. You’ll get split into two teams, and some of the other more serious players will have brought their own guns… and the rest is your own personal strategy. There are change rooms by necessity that you will limp into after you’re finished, and then you’re done, and can go home and scrub off the shellshock. Battered, frazzled and eager to do it again – that’s Paintball for you.

Oh, and 15 years and up, people. Nobody likes to see preteens get rained on. Not that you were thinking of taking your kids… right?

An old picture of the Myer Centre from cnr Albert & Elizabeth streets

Myer is Australia’s biggest Department Store chain, and so in Brisbane, we’ve taken the liberty of having “The Myer Centre”, which is home to Queensland’s largest Myer store. What this is, is a giant multi-level complex adjacent to Queen Street Mall and inside, you’ll find not just Myer but almost 200 stores which have set up establishment inside. The Myer Centre is an extremely popular shopping destination among local folk and tourists alike, and it’s worth navigating whether you’re a window shopper, a spendaholic or just a loiterer – it’s a nice place, huh?

If you were hoping to catch a movie, no super-mega-centre is complete without a cinema, so at the top level, your elevator opens to an 8-screen cinema complex (which almost seems like a secret find when you get to it, if it weren’t so busy). But you’re wondering where Myer actually is, right?

Levels, so many levels

The Myer Store itself is on all levels, which means you can scoot through the different sections to get to places (if you’re bored of the elevators and escalators). It’s quite hard to miss, more difficult is finding the individual stores. If you have a certain store in mind, there are various directory boards (usually outside each Myer entrance) but you can always brandish your accent anew and ask any of the kiosk staff (there’s actually an information kiosk, but a coffee shop will be just as helpful, or at least direct you somewhere more helpful).

Late night shopping in Brisbane is on Thursday but here it’s on a Friday – other days, most things are closed by 5:30 during the week and 5:00 on the weekends – but Friday will see you through to 9:00. Because it’s a nice shortcut across Queen Street Mall, the Centre is usually not roller-doored down at 5 like all of its stores, so if you’re nearby and it’s later in the evening, you can still mozy on through just to have a peek (especially if Myer isn’t emboldened on your to-do list and you want to see it anyway).

So, how to get there? There is a giant underground car park if you’re motoring, and it can get pretty expensive during the week, but if you go on the weekend, you can park your car there all day for $15 – not from the bargain basement, i’m sure, but the that’s the price of heaping a giant hunk of metal in the exact middle of the city for a day (if you’re seeing a movie on a weekday, park your car after 4pm for the weekend price – and don’t worry about getting locked in – the centre is open 24/7).

If you’re catching a bus, Queen Street Bus Station actually takes you physically inside the Myer Centre – that’s where it’s located – so you don’t have much sleuthing to do once you disembark. Train-wise, Central Station is only a couple of hundred metres away too; once you get to Queen Street, everything will make sense (for general travel smarts, there’s a huge information booth in the middle of Queen Street Mall, which you should at least pilfer a few pamphlets from, for posterity).

Queen Street Mall - pantheon of the bats.

It’s not as exciting as an adventure park (At the moment, unfortunately, there aren’t any giant robot dinosaurs, although there are some giant dinosaurs at the museum, actually) but… pass through and take it for what it is. Plus, it’s a pretty clever spot for tourist eating because the food courts are competitively priced and there’s a lot of variety. Get your Myer on, yo.

The best part about the flowers on the Arbour is that they're called Bouganvillea, which is a part-homonym with the Australian term for redneck, Bogan.

So you have a digestive system, huh? There’s nothing like consuming some food articles when you’re short of the requisite energy to live, and I mean that quite literally. Dining in style, however, is a modern evolution that bears millions upon billions of rules and preferences, but whatever your palette, South Bank is a veritable monopoly board of eateries.

What sort of occasion is this? Is it a birthday? Do you care about that person? The ratings on google aren’t much to go by, so throw yourself into the fray and have a look around. There are a lot of international cuisines, such as Turkish, Italian and there’s even a Mövenpick for dessert – but hey, like I said, this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Most of what you’ll find is on Grey street and Little Stanley street (which should be part of your South Bank orienteering), though if you walk up and down the actual South Bank Parklands through the Arbour pictured above, the journey is punctuated by Restaurants left and right.

Here’s the big caveat – it’s EXTREMELY busy, always. South Bank dining is absolutely ‘where it’s at’ in Brisbane, and it’s notoriously crowded on a Friday & Saturday night. Realise that if you’re going to a Restaurant (there’s a few fast food outlets up the Arbour you can opt for, too) you’re probably going to spend more eating in South Bank than a restaurant in the suburbs, so rehearse a “church lady gasp” for appropriate moments.

South Bank is also a major node in the public transport network – some of the restaurants you can actually see the bus station from, and the same with the train station – in other words, it can be an “alcohol evening” if you so choose. If you’re going for a more conservative or family-feel night, Friday and Saturday (possibly even Sunday) aren’t worth fighting over a booking for. But, the demographic is a bit older and/or diluted on the other days, so a nostalgic dinner for two, four or however more on the other days of the week will be easier to achieve.

Food and water, God's promises to the People of Brisbane

I don’t think you can say you’ve experienced Brisbane until you’ve at least visited South Bank, so working in dinner into one of those days is an extremely Brisbane-savvy way to flesh out your tour diary.

Now, expect to make your reservations a day in advance, or a week in advance if you’re going to brave a Friday or a Saturday night. Dress codes are almost universally smart-casual wherever you go, which means no singlets or thongs, and hopefully you’ve learnt by now that in Australia, thongs are footwear. You didn’t know that? I thought every traveling Australian comedian had already capitalised on that cultural misinformation.

Now, here’s to a few pina coladas and a short stagger back to your accommodation. Just don’t go onto Kodak Beach drunk – it might be an artificial beach, but they have lifeguards. Sometimes. OK, it’s “all you” now.

South Bank's own - It's not quite the London eye, but you're a tourist. This is what is expected of you.

These spas Brisbane have…. I’m telling you, it’s an experience. Has the whirlwind settled yet? Are you peeling off sunburnt skin and nursing a beleaguered shoulder from hauling a coarse backpack around the world? Don’t pretend you aren’t attracted to the idea of being pampered and rejuvinated while you’re holidaying in the Sunshine State.

So you’re here to have a gritty, cub scout holiday – I get that – but you can also take care of yourself while doing it. What’s the bet you’ve run out of ideas for your, trip, besides? Don’t sweat it – or do, the steam baths are pretty good for that.

These places usually make a great gift for your mum or sister (or your progressive dad or brother) but you know what they say – the gift you give yourself is the gift that keeps on giving (I’m not sure who says that, it might be me, but nothing’s original these days anyway so i’m sure I stole it from someone, potentially even you).

Like a Roman God, right?

Relaxation centres are the very cliche of luxury, and Brisbane has its fair share of them, some central, some a little bit further out. Without getting elitist, you tend to find Spas and Massage Retreats in the nicer suburbs of Brisbane, so it’s a good ambiance for seeing some nice areas, and to be perfectly honest with you, I really think Brisbane is just a great place to live. OK, nationalism over.

Really what it comes down to is what you want done: Do you want a facial treatment, a thai foot massage – are you pregnant? These are all vital considerations but if you’ve ever been to a Day Spa before then you know that it’s like going to restauarant, except unlike a restaurant, there are no gustatory limits to what you can give to your senses.

Speaking of restaurants, if you haven’t been to a Day Spa lately, you’re in for a treat – literally, since a lot of them serve food. Top that off with a hot stone massage, and you’re good to go.

Some services are easy for last-minute bookings, and you’re welcome to go in and have a look at the actual retreat if you want to get a clearer idea of just where you’re meant to be relaxing. Don’t feel like you have to put all of your organisation energies into this one, though – the whole point is that you switch off, and as an exotic travelers from a faraway land, you are especially welcome to do so.

The spas Brisbane has to offer are all equally seductive and furnished, and luckily if you’re staying in a hotel, there’s guaranteed to be either a discount available to you for a specific company, or an even an in-house retreat at the hotel (such as in the case of the Dome Retreat if you’re staying at the Marriot). Either way, it’s all the same – you’re going to feel awesome.

Rocks on your back - don't knock it til you've tried it

Got your itinerary out? It can be clever to just put a great massage at the end of your trip, as a kind of “cuddly light” at the end of the tunnel. That’s a pretty good idea, isn’t it?

This is where you fly in, but you don't have to venture far further to find a place to sleep

In Brisbane, there is one key Airport Accommodation you need to know about – The Novotel. The Novotel Brisbane Airport is home to a lot of conferences, but that’s because it’s so conveniently placed. It’s the only accommodation within the airport precinct, and it’s pretty swish (if it’s good enough for the suits, it’s good enough for me, and by extension, you).

But wait – hold the phone – there are other options. Without going into a hotel-by-hotel review, you can edge further and further away from the airport and get cheaper and cheaper accommodation, which is a smart option considering the fact that Brisbane is a rapidly growing city and most airport hotels here hold themselves to a fairly friendly and high standard anyway. So, don’t write it off, you can make it work for you.

All this said, your airfare may come packaged with a hotel pre-arranged, especially if it’s a stopover flight, so the decision might be out of your control completely. Even still, do investigations of your own  because there might be something better you prefer (but the shuttle bus is always carefree and convenient after a long, tired flight).

There’s also the flier who is not stopping over, but putting their feet up before they decide to explore Brisbane. If this is you, then don’t feel restricted to the airport hotels. If you want one last night of comfort before you take things grungy, the airport is only 8km from the Central Business District of Brisbane so you have a range of hotels to choose from in the city too.

Brisbane CBD at Night from Kangaroo Point Cliffs

Whichever way you play it, peruse the check-in times against your arrival times and make sure everything ledgers up, and also bring with you a giant swag with which to “permanently sample” miniature conditioner bottles and the like. Of course, however many samples you choose to keep as souvenirs is none of my business.

So, there you have it – the gamut of Brisbane Airport Accommodation – there isn’t a lot of variety if you’re on foot when you land (and don’t want to start your spending spree with a cab fare) but if you widen the radius, you can enjoy a selection of different places to stay when you get off the plane.

Final note: Don’t book anything until you’ve checked the website, since as most hotel websites have virtual tours, you might find something you love that way.

Not too far from here, legal places to erect a tent exist

When people think of travelling to a big city, they often think of staying in a built-up area at a hostel or a hotel, but Caravan Parks abound in Brisbane and they can provide an interesting alternative, especially to those with an affinity for nature.

Staying at a camping site or a caravan park, you will have the chance to wake up to the sounds of community through a thin mesh wall, a slightly thicker caravan wall or a thicker again cabin wall. The common denominator here is inclusivity, and the staff of Caravan Parks (some run by family businesses) are often a notch or two more personal than your average hostel staff, which is a different kind of service.

When you stay in Cabin Accommodation, you’re essentially getting a house with facilities, and while most of the villas are suited to smaller troupes, there are furnished arrangements in some villages for a group of 6. This also looks good to you if you’re carting around food, or want to refrigerate food for a couple of days. Hostels often offer this too, but the more budget ones will have you keeping your food in a communal fridge.

You can't misspell Austrailer without 'trailer'

Your second option is staying in a true Caravan, which need not be brought by you – there are options for you to hire an on-site Caravan if that’s simply the experience you want. If on the other hand you’re road trippin’ like a bandit, you have two questions that you’ll generally need to ask yourself: Do you need power? And – How much privacy do you want? The price differences aren’t hefty, but a Caravan on a concrete slab without power versus a Caravan on a spread of grass with electricity, a complimentary fridge and a free covered barbecue is going   to be a no-brainer, especially if you’ve been harbouring a lifelong desire to throw a Shrimp On The Barbie while in Australia. (Note that there are a lot of public barbecues in Brisbane, for instance in South Bank).

Lastly, you can put the tent up on the same sites you pay to park your Caravan, and all of the same prices and rules apply. If you’re a camping nut and you really want the true experience of ‘Australiana’, this has got to be the coolest option. A tent in a caravan park in Brisbane might be the closest you get to experiencing the outback, but if you’re in a tent, you’re still doing better than that guy in the lodge, huh?

Just a quick note – when you book (which you should do so well in advance, this is one thing you don’t want to think about once you’re here), most companies are going to expect you to pay a security deposit once you arrive (it’s more for cabins) and if you’ve got a car, chances are there’ll be a boom gate card with its own security deposit too. So have a cash float withdrawn and ready – the “late night ATM adventure  when i’d rather be sleeping” is about as fun as it sounds.

Don’t worry, though, whether you’re driving a campervan around Australia or you buy a tent from Big W on the night you arrive in Brisbane, there are ample Caravan Parks for you to set up shop in, and if you got lost in the outskirts of Brisbane, you’d probably realise that you’ve stumbled into one by accident.

If you get lost and find yourself here, this is *not* a place to put your tent, unless you want change thrown at you

Bowling Brisbane-style is no different to bowling anywhere else, except perhaps if you’re here in Summer, when a Bowling Alley can be a excellent retreat from the heat.

Remember sitting just inside a bowling Alley when you were younger, trying on the bowling alley’s shoes one after the other, because their shoe size doesn’t convert to any known country on the planet? Hasn’t it been too long?

Feeling competitive, yet?

But don’t look at bowling as a second-order tourist activity, by no means. Have you considered taking the family (or the hangers-on at the hostel) for a cheap outing where you get to head up funny names for all of your friends and then offer false positive encouragement to people who’ve clearly never held a bowling ball in all their life?

Unless you’ve been living under a bowling-ball shaped rock, bowling is a little bit like lawn boules, which is where you roll a sphere along the ground, except towards some tall bottle-like objects. I’m going to assume we all know what bowling is.

You can pass through a bowling alley in Brisbane for just an afternoon, or you can make a night of it. Different venues have karaoke, some serve alcohol and others are more traditional and simple, but often great bang for your buck.

Bowling alleys can be tough to sniff out in foreign cities, and Brisbane has a few scattered in suburbs (which can be a drag to catch the bus to) but they’re worth getting to, since each is a unique experience in its own right. Most you can just turn up to, but at peak times (for example at night and on Saturdays) you ought to ring ahead to book a lane. It’s actually a pretty exciting environment just to be in when you go at night – kind of like a nightclub, but with fewer people because only the people who are bowling are inside.

Dancing, alcohol... wait... I though this was a Bowling Alley?

You can pick up a few deals (a few games for a lower on-average price) which ends up being funner anyway (a common recommendation is 3 games – the 1st for warming up, the 2nd for losing and the 3rd for your do-over). And remember, all good bowling alleys serve food, too, which gives you the chance to play at your own pace.

There’s really not much to prepare for in terms of bowling, but bring socks for hygiene reasons, and if you’ve got a bad back, err on the side of a lighter ball – heavier balls are always exciting but a lighter ball will keep your back out of trouble while giving you a chance to work on the finer points of your game, like your spin and your run-up.

It’s one of the cheapest ways to have a fun group activity day and if you’re stuck for exciting things to do, bowling in Brisbane is always there for you. This is not something unique to Brisbane, but Bowling Bars are a great place to meet lots of friendly Australian locals (and maybe even catch a professional league game, depending on when you go) and you’re guaranteed to let off steam, if the stresses of travel have begun to mount. What’s a couple of hours?

The Brisbane Skydiving trend gathers more momentum each year – perhaps in the near future, it will pull its rip cord and sail to a nice meadow of adrenaline-based recreation…  Who’s to say? You are – that is, if you’re up to the challenge of jumping out of a plane kilometres above the surface of the Earth – and what better place to do it than here in Brisbane?

Depending on where in the world you skydive, there’s a lower age limit. in Australia, it’s 14 – that’s for tandem skydiving – for solo skydiving, it’s 16 – but you need a parent or guardian’s permission for either if you’re under 18. Anyway, don’t be daunted by the this-high-to-ride-sign – Everything you need to know gets explained (and re-explained) once you arrive.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

There are a lot of options available to you. You can go solo, you can go tandem, or you can do one of the courses. These allow you to legally go off and experience all of the world’s drop zones. The advantage here is that you’re set for life, however, since it takes a while to complete (two weeks in some cases), it’s usually the kind of thing you’d plan for and base a large part of your trip around in advance. Next, there is going solo but without all of the intensive accreditation, and that means a lower altitude drop most of the time (think 3000 feet). If you want to really get the free fall from, say, 10,000+ feet, your best bet is the tandem skydive, which is where you are strapped to a professional skydiving instructor who manages the entire jump (and you don’t have to do anything except avoid making sick (if you do, it’s unlikely to be a problem – you’re expected to be nervous)). Tandem skydiving is of course the safest option too and it’s a great way to get up high. A lot of people opt for it – but explore your options and choose what’s right for you.

Now it’s worth considering which skydiving company to go with – have a look at them all, but also think about it in terms of where you’d like to be dropped off. If you choose to skydive in Byron Bay, then you’ll get a view to the splendour of the countryside against the northern New South Wales coastline. Compare that to north of Brisbane – you can eye Stradbroke and Moreton Islands and even The Glass House Mountains depending how far up the coast you go. If you’re staying tight to the city, there are other more centrally located companies to suit you – they might not land you on a beach, but from 14,000 feet you’re going to enjoy their view nearly if not just as much.

So, you’re still keen on skydiving while you’re in Brisbane? You need to book, because only some places are flexible enough to let you call up on the morning you want to jump. Ring a day or more ahead to seal your fate; As a few websites say, the most dangerous thing you’ll do all day is drive to the drop zone.

Should you decide on a date you want to go skydiving, remember also that it is a weather-dependant activity, so if there is bad weather forecast (and there isn’t another site that the skydiving company can switch to) then “God Says No”. Should He say yes, however, you should have with you spare clothes (which come in handy if you happen to land in some mud) and a camera (video capabilities encouraged, for disoriented post-jump interviews…  that you can easily put on youtube to get your friends going). Oh, and avoid getting completely stoned and drunk beforehand. Skydiving instructors are about twice as streetsmart as carnies, so expect to be figured out in about 0.2 seconds if you think you can fool them. Conversely, if everything goes by the book, you can get a good 60 seconds of blissful plummeting through the atmosphere, and really, considering the half day of preparation, that’s time economics.

If you’re in Brisbane on holiday or a backpacking adventure then there’s no reason you shouldn’t consider skydiving as something to add to your experience over here.